15 posts tagged “futurefilter”
So, you know how I did French immersion almost 2 years ago? Well, I had a professor, I think I've mentioned her before, who is a survivor of the Rwandan genocide. For all you francophones, she's just released a book about her experience!! http://www.editionslaurenceteper.com/fiche-livre.asp?Clef=41
So you can buy it on amazon: http://amazon.qc.ca/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=berthe+kayitesi&x=0&y=0
I want to pick it up and read it. Sometimes inspiring people just fall into your lap and you don't even really stop a moment to think about it.
Onto other things, though, as this is my blog and I'm egotistical like that.
I've been all over the place mentally lately. Though, I want to focus on one subject which will bleed into others, but I should start somewhere, right?
I've been looking into moving to New Orleans. It seems like a drastic thing which will pass in the coming days, but I've taken some steps to make this plan actually happen, and it feels good, if strange.
I spent a chunk of the morning texting with Emily about the possibility of moving and what it would entail, time lines and all that stuff. I e-mailed Tulane about their French and Business programs, their non-traditional student application process and some of their student services. I've yet to hear back from Tulane, but I got an out of office message telling me the counselor who specializes with Massachusetts prospective students will be out of the office until tomorrow. We'll see how that goes with that.
As for moving, I'm toying with the idea of getting rid of my car completely when I do it. The one hang up, though, is that it limits my ability to get around a lot. New Orleans has a bus system and limited tram/street car. Most of the getting around, especially getting out, of the city is through car. I also would need a method by which to get out in the event of an evacuation for a hurrican (which is a possibility since I'd be moving to a lovely hurricane prone area).
My car loan is up in June, so it gives me the opportunity to buy a new one or ditch it all together. I'm leaning toward buying a new (as in, like, I'm the first owner new) car and learning how to drive manual. If I can drive manual, I can pay what I pay now for this car with something that's going to easily last me 10 years. I've been looking into getting a station wagon (yes, station wagon) because it gets the gas mileage of a sedan while have a lot more storage space (because, with evacuation, I'm going to want to take my valuables like my computer in case of severe damage or looting). It'll also allow me to ship less stuff when I move because I can drive with it. I'll also be able to drive a new car down there without worrying as much if it's going to shit out on me.
There's also been a lot of BIG SHINING ARROWS for me going down South, as I've explained to a few people.
Firstly, I've been feeling very stagnant and stuck up here. I've been wanting a change of big proportions even when I was in school. I was placated for a while moving out of the house and establishing myself, but it's waned because I've not been able to land a better job with more potential up here. Everything I'm looking for requires this magical "3+ years experience" for something that is, really, not anything someone with that many years needs to do the job. I've got the skills and the talent, but no one is interested in hiring me. It sounds like time to go back to school and investigate greener pastures.
Secondly, Emily point blank asked me if I'd be interested in moving in with her in New Orleans before I went down there to visit. It had totally taken me by surprise, and I didn't just say "no" on instinct. I was open to the idea, even if I hadn't considered it. I like Louisiana a great deal, and I definitely want to get out --even if just for a couple years.
Thirdly, I think New England is making me into someone I really don't want to be. I desperately fighting the exclusivity and coldness that typifies the culture here. It's not to say I want to go running around chatting every random person up; I just feel like New England is making me into a hard, distrusting and even distant person. I need to get out of this for the betterment of myself.
Fourth, I've encountered absolutely no heavy resistance from anyone I've talked to when mentioning my desire to move down South. It's all been "GO FOR IT!" It's really refreshing to know I've surrounded myself with such supportive people who really encourage me to go out and do, but it also shows how much getting out and getting away is really in my self-interest. I'd miss everyone dearly up here because you all are (some literally) my family. I would never forget or leave any of you in the dust because I love you all way too much to do that to you.
The people that I've talked to about it have actually helped me push my ass into doing this and somewhat committing to it. I've actually gotten a couple people to say "what's holding you back? you/we're still young and have every chance to do it."
Fifth, I was talking with my boss today. We've actually grown into pretty good friends over the last couple months. We were in the parking lot taking a break and she started asking me about my trip -- what I did, if I know anyone down there, all of that. Then she mentions to me if I've ever thought about moving down there. I artfully answer the question (remember, I don't lie). I say "Yeah, I've thought about it, but I'm way too poor to move anywhere." She proceeds to tell me about someone else who used to work at the Bureau who was in a similar situation to what I'm in (used the Bureau to get their feet wet in the professional world, but it isn't their world-ending dream to work there).
He, one day, just moved out to California to work in IT. He knew no one, had no job and had to find a place to live -- all that stuff -- but he did it and now he's doing really well for himself. He never would have had that opportunity had he not just taken the plunge and done it.
I know my boss well enough to know that she wasn't saying "get out now while you have the chance" so much as "don't discount it as much as you think." It's almost as if there's a feeling at the Bureau that I'm almost beyond working there, to some extent. It's a weird feeling. I have this respect from management that I've worked hard to attain and I think, at a certain point, they almost want to see me go off and do other things so I can "live up to my full potential". They've seen how hard I work and how passionate I am about doing well. It's both refreshing and worrisome as I don't want it to be the reason they'd axe me if there's another round of lay offs.
There are downsides to moving, of course, as there always are. But, I think, for me mentally, this would be a good thing. I just need to start seriously saving money to make it happen and have it work. New Orleans is definitely not the happy shiny city (comparatively) that Boston is. It's seedier; there's more crime; it's more unsafe. But, I think, I would do well to move there, go back to school, and really just get it going actually more on my own. See what I'm made of and really get to test myself.
A recurring theme in my life is "untapped potential". It's almost a mantra how often I'm told I have this in my life. This would be an opportunity for me to tap into it and really establish myself.
At this point, I'm going to do it. I've started putting pieces into place and I'm moving forward.
I'm making an action plan -- it's exhilirating and terrifying; exciting and numbing; logical and absurd. It's pretty much everything I feel I am.
And, it certainly allows me to pursue more of those question marks floating around my head.
I love the sound snow makes when it's hitting the trees. That icy snapping crackle sound. I think it's something I'd miss if I moved somewhere it doesn't snow. It's the little details and small joys.
I'm really apprehensive about Christmas this year. With everything that happened last year and how crappy it was, I'm finding a really hard time forgetting it and trying to keep an open mind for this year. Things are significantly different for me this time around, but the experiences of last year are still kicking around in my head. I have to say they're causing me a great deal of anxiety. I don't know how I'm going to react if things replay again or if my grandmother says something off-the-cuff inflammatory towards me.
I know it's not something I really need to worry about in the global sense. As I said, things are drastically different than last year (I've moved out on my own; I'm (kind of) seeing a new person; if things get shitty, I can just leave and come back to my apartment) but I'm still very, very anxious. I feel like the more time passes, the more spending extended periods of time with certain members of my family causes me a great deal of stress.
It's a really sad thing because there are members of my family whom I love a lot. We get along very well and I feel really comfortable with them. Then there are the people with whom I have NO rapport. I have nothing to say to them and, honestly, they're really combative with me. I know the combativeness is something I've also taken on to defend myself when I'm brought up with it. It's probably not the most healthy, but I know that it's the only way I can really survive without giving myself an ulcer. Confronting it right then and there before it festers into something worse than it is (obviously using discretion).
It's been a while since I've blogged about anything in particular, or really at all. I have to admit that it's been a very deliberate move on my part because I find when I blog is causes me to sometimes enter into a self-destructive cycle of thinking. I think that putting it online just gets it out and lets it free. That freedom lets me just think I'm just so good at getting my thoughts out. That then gives me this false impression of awesomeness while ignoring the real issues. I've had a lot go on professionally for me, as well as internally personally, that I've been trying to manage. There's a potential for looking up, but one thing I've learned is that my perception is in no way reality.
I've had a really hard time recently letting go of the things I can't control. I've become a lot more control freakish lately and I really have been trying to work my through it. I need to remind myself that the only way I'm going to get anything in this world is to allow it to do what it's going to do because the majority of life is out of my control. Most decisions in my life, at this point, are still made by others in some way, shape or form. The only things I can control are how I can react and deal and change with the situations -- not those situations themselves. Seeking personal solutions to move through the problem and figure things out on my own.
I really feel uncomfortable being any less vague about any of this -- especially in such public a forum. I'm going through another shrinking violet phase where I don't spend very much time with people and I retreat into my own little corner of existence. As I said, I've been really working through my baggage and it's not something I really have been able to do with others.
It also means I've been listening to a lot of Ani, since she's who I turn to when I feel like there's more that I need to get through. She helps me really look into myself. As pretentious as that sounds.
As, at least, a partial reveal, I've been working through my relationship baggage. As with my life in general, I tend to carry a lot of stuff with me. Far more than I probably should, but I can't seem to part with it. Whether it's my volumes of books I've never read, my insane amount of t-shirts, or any number of countless other things I have in excess in my physical life, I can't seem to shake myself of some things from my relationship past.
I have this really big issue where I always want to find a way to figure out what it is that a person wants with me -- even if they're just genuinely interested. I have this problem right now. I've been talking with, what seems like, a really great, intelligent and well-meaning person. He hasn't done anything to set off any of those classic red flags I've come to know very, very well.
There's been no pronouncements of deep love, soul-mate status or anything like that. In fact, we are where we are right now because I asked him what his thoughts on an "us" were. I did it so soon because I wanted to know if there was something worth pursuing or if we should just be friends (which would have been totally fine). We both admitted liking each other a great deal.
We're going through a getting to know you phase and, honestly, I think it's making me uncomfortable. I went through a small phase, before I knew what the fuck I was doing, where I was actually exceptionally negative for about a week -- like, an insufferable clod, really -- and he stuck with me through it. When I realized what I was doing, I cut it out. Being like that is not me and it's definitely me trying to hurt him before he hurts me. Classic behavior from someone who's been in some of the relationship situations I've been in. Lashing out before I could be lashed at.
I feel rather foolish about this because I've got a really good thing going. No red flags, we talk all the time -- but we're not panicking and sending message after message if the other is out of contact, and we're really getting to know each other. I feel like I know him now. The sad thing is, I feel like I know him better now than I've ever known anyone who I've ever dated. I feel like that should hallmark something for me, but I don't know what -- my growing up? the pathetic nature of my last relationships?
I keep getting overwhelmed by these ideas that I should just run away from it all. I have this base instinct in me that just wants to run away and not have to deal with the idea of being with someone. I'm scared, in a sense, because I'm really scared of just letting myself fall. I'm scared of being hurt again, even though I don't think I actually have to worry about it. I'm scared most of all of the idea that I might fuck something up. Like, really fuck something up beyond repair.
I don't want to run away from anything, but the commitment-phobe in me is screaming that I'm falling into something that'll put me in a real commitment that could actually change my life. As it stands, I don't have much stability in my life. I'm not entirely financially stable, certainly not professionally stable in the current economic conditions, my mental state changes by the moment. I'm not in a stable place, but I'm honestly scared to change anything in my position.
I think that's what's driving all of this shit. I'm too scared to change the wrong thing. Whether it's a change in profession, location or both, I'm too scared that I'm going to change the wrong thing and I'm going to make it all worse. I don't know which of the strings to pull or cut or knot together. I'm such a clusterfuck of a decision maker that I really just have no idea. I go from working on the Foreign Service Application to researching how to become a history teacher, to a foreign language teacher, to seeing how I can start my own non-profit and get involved in politics again, to seeing how I could start my own business. I apply to jobs at the state government, non-profits and corporate america just throwing everything into the wind and seeing which of the straws hits me back in the face. Throwing myself over to reckless abandon and random chance.
To be honest, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing with myself right now aside from wasting my life away. I fee like I'm wasting myself with what I'm doing now. I do want to feel somewhat fulfilled with what I do, but I don't know what that is to even chase it in more than a cursory fashion. I know that no matter what straw hits me, I'm going to do it well and to the best of my ability. It's what I do in everything I do. I'm a go hard or go home person and always have been. I just need to know what I'm going hard at that will give me some satisfaction.
And here comes this one great thing in my clusterfuck of a life right now. Someone who seems to like me for me. Someone who's interested in what I do and genuinely likes me for who and what I am. I've told him about all the geeky shit I do, the cons, politics, the potentiality of kids in the future. We've talked about all of that stuff. Like, real, decent conversation. And yet, the hint of something remotely stabilizing throws me completely down the shitter and I don't know what to do with myself. It just adds to the confusion and makes me question it more.
I question whether it's him or the stability he represents. I start to question it all because I have grown this mistrust of my own decision making skills, especially romantically. I do have this incredibly nesting need inside me and I just crave to have that stability more than someone as young as I am probably should. I have this want in me to settle into something stable and loving and lasting. I want something in my life to just last for more than a little while. I'm in such a state of constant upheaval that nothing seems like it ever lasts. Even at work, my job tasks are constantly changing. Nothing is in any way remotely stable.
I need to stop bemoaning my very existence and do something. There's no point in being an emo fuck and wallowing in my own misery about anything. I need to do something. I've done some things, but I need to commit to them.
I need to commit.
That's actually just the song I'm listening to, but I'm finding it keenly relevant.
Tonight, after taking a couple month's hiatus, I've restarted the Foreign Service application again. I've taken all the essays out and put them into their own word documents to be worked on. I figure if I move them apart, I'll be better able to take them on instead of looking at the long list and getting dishearteningly intimidated.
With everything that's going on right now in my life personally, which I feel as if I discussed them here (as much as I'd like to!) it would hurt me in some way, I have refound my determination and resolve. The only thing keeping me back from my dreams and my hopes and just me doing what I want to do is me. I may like to blame it on other things, but when I set my mind to something (as I've done recently), there's only one thing stopping me and that's myself.
I need to pick myself up by the bootstraps and just do it. Get it done. Edit it. Submit it. Move on to phase 2. I know I can do this. I have relevant experience, enthusiasm, age and intelligence. I can learn quickly and learn best by doing -- which is a good fit for being an FSO. This job was made for me and I need to remember that.
It's time for me to just DO it and quit being a pissing wuss about it.
Wish me luck!
I'm not really sure where to start at the present moment. I've had a lot on my mind that's been keeping me from posting as well as putting me into that dangerous seclusion which can only breed bad things in my mind. I need to spend time with myself, yes, but there's a difference between time spent alone and time spent in isolation. I've definitely become a lot of an isolationist recently, keeping my thoughts and feelings really inside. Not for fear of reprimand or anything, just because I didn't fell they had really matured enough to really be adequately expressed.
This past weekend, my Great Aunt passed and it's really tipped a lot of the usual scales about family, friends, love and relationships which creep up in me from time to time. Whether it's just being angry at my mother for something stupid, something hurtful she accidentally does or say or something else, I go through cycles within my own feeling on the relationships I keep and maintain.
When I really come down to the base of my entire existence, I really have no idea what I'm doing. I'm going through all of us this just trying to get a handle on my present situation. It's true that I'm much happier now than I have been, and I attribute that to being out on my own and really taking a handle of my own life -- even if the only thing that's really changed is that I live with roommates, buy my own food and pay rent.
I often think of myself as a terrible friend. I get caught up in myself a lot and I miss the mark a lot. I feel like I fuck up a lot and it's really a mystery why any puts up with me. I'm boorish, cynical and blunt to the point of hurting others -- even if totally unintentionally. I'm aggressive in all the wrong things and passive in all the wrong things, as well. I could get so much farther ahead in my life if I retooled what I'm doing, but I can't seem to get anything going. I feel stagnant, but I know that I need to be stagnant right now. I've spent so many years already running around for what's essentially nothing and now I'm finally cooling a bit and I don't really know what it's like.
For the first time in years, I've been able to appreciate that Spring is here because I'm not stressed out with midterms or finals or papers or theses. I ave been able to really just relax when I get out of work and let all that stress stay behind me. It feels so weird, yet so good. I sometimes get the urge to bring work home because I feel like it's something I should be doing after being trained for so many years that the thing that consumes the most amount of your time should be the thing that carries over into everything else that you do. Admittedly, it's a falsehood, but also, admittedly, it's been the trend of my life. Everything has always bled into everything else.
I don't feel any less busy than I ever was before -- I still am running back and forth between things and trying to fit people into my schedule. I have weekends to myself, and I do spend it with people, but it almost still feels like I'm doing too much. I can't even really explain it.
I've been feeling overwhelmed by my life, even though nothing about it is uniquely overwhelming.
I've started to really look at everything and I realize that everything I'm doing right now is, in some way, getting me nowhere. I also keep looking and see that I've nowhere to go. I know this part of adjusting into "real" life, but I can't help but feel like a bit of a failure.
I'm in an admittedly dead end job. I'm working at a karate studio which is slowly dying for various reasons which I won't even get into. I've all but stopped volunteering at the Suicide Line because I don't have time on the available shifts and I've stopped leaving there feeling good. It doesn't give me the boost of supporting someone in need I got even 6 months ago. I guess the shine has worn off? Or maybe I'm burned out from listening to people complain all afternoon and then going in to listen to more people complain about more serious things (or sometimes not)? I don't know, but it's just not the same.
I do also have to say that I am feeling lonely and single. The majority of the people I'm close to are now in long term, supportive relationships and I have to admit that sometimes I do feel left out. All of my romantic endeavors have turned up very short for various reasons and it leaves me wondering, yet again, if I'm damaged goods. Why do I keep picking losers?
I've been feeling really lonely in that respect a lot. I almost feel left out in a way because I'm not at that next level like everyone else is. I know it's completely irrational of me and I know it's an unhealthy mind set. I know that it's all up to me and my will and my head to get myself out there and talking to people and really turn on the charm I know I have.
But, sometimes, I can't help but feel extra lonely. I know it's bride's maid syndrome or whatever you want to call it -- when you're in everyone else's wedding, but you can never find someone you want to be with.
I know this might cause some guilt or waves, but I'm a bit glad I had plans when game night happened. Not because I didn't want to see everyone -- I was bummed about that, I really was. It was more that everyone had an "and x" attached. Alli AND Matt, Denise AND Dave, Katie AND Jared. Even though it's not the same, Cass AND Kyle. and then there'd be me. I know I could always bring someone, but it makes me feel like kind of a loser.
It makes me wonder if I'm going to be starting my adult life alone and if it's going to change any time soon. I don't believe I'm going to be single forever. I know that when I'm ready and whoever he is is ready, we're going to build that relationship, but I can't help but wonder if I'm behind the curve because lasting romantic relationships are being built by my peers, my friends, and I'm not even dating anyone.
I just feel dead ended.
I've been making of fantastic escape plans from my own life to start over and just renew. The Foreign Service is my current escape, but I don't know if it's really something I'd be able to do. The success rate for getting selected is, literally at or below 5% per applicant pool.
Yes, I know, I can beat the odds if I study my ass of and really prepare and get myself out there in all the interviewing and pre-interviewing and all of that. I know I can do it, but it's nothing something I should rely on. I can't plan on doing the Service. It's not to say I'm not planning on trying; I'm going to be talking to my parents about the process and what each step is as well as what it would mean if I got selected.
At some point, I know I just have to go balls out and just do something. The only thing holding me back is my own fear of failure and disappointment. I have to fail to succeed and I have to succeed at something in order to fail at something else. I can't let myself just sit here and be wallowing in my own miserable shit while there's an entire world and an entire life outside my encapsulated reality.
I already feel like I need to break free from where I am.
Am I just flighty, or is there more to this?
I don't even know where to begin. My life has become back to normal again, but on the other hand, I'm making things start to change for myself. I'm totally comfortable, even energized, by everything that's going on.
Best of all, October is almost over. NaNo is almost upon us and I'm excited, almost ecstatic, to get my novel off the ground. I feel really good about where I'm going with this year's novel and how experimental and different it's going to be for me. I think it's going to be really great.
It'll mean a virtual radio silence from me on here as I'll be pouring my life into getting my word count and, in the process, ignoring large facets of the world including, I'm assuming, the internet. It's amazing how quickly things which seemed important not too long ago are now seemingly disposable.
I spent a considerable amount of with Alli yesterday and one of things that we talked about in a lot of different ways (even if not directly) was moving on. The idea that you can still have something in you and that it's important to you but you don't have to be there or experience that thing. You can have it for what it was in your life, but you have no desire to be or do that specific thing again.
The main topic of it was FSC. We want to do things which stimulate us and make us feel like we're doing something we're interested in and engaged with. We want to wake up every day and do something we care about, which we're both sorely lacking at this point, but are working to rectify. We miss school, but not Framingham State. We don't want to go back there, but we don't feel the "omgno!" of it.
I was on a bench at the Common in Boston with Paige during my lunch break last week when I realized I'd been out of school nearly six months. I nearly shit myself because it feels like so long ago, but also as if it had just occurred. It's strange how something in the past just seems like it's in the milky present. It's not quite so far away it's blurry, but it's not so close it's sharp either. It hangs in the middle ground in an amorphous shape, like an aura from a migraine.
I need to stop waxing nostalgic about college because, in all honest, I spent the majority of my time there stressed out beyond belief and emotionally torturing both myself and everyone else. I would wage that a lot of my time was spent in too much stress for its worth, especially in the final third of my college experience. Whether by design or by chance, I would say that my last 2 years at FSC were my most joyous and most sorrowful.
(11:11 make a wish!)
I'm very optimistic about the future right now. I've been doing a lot of looking to the future, at least to the fog of the future, and trying to figure out which direction I want to grope in. I feel confident in what I want to do in a way I've never felt before. I feel a settled feeling as I look on and start to move towards researching. I'm looking at research assistant positions (and, in fact, applied to one this evening at Boston University). As more positions open up I'm interested in, I'll be applying to them. The job I have now, while I don't like it, affords me a decent enough income as well as health insurance and other less-than intentional perks, so I'm not going to get rid of it until I have something to replace it. Hopefully it won't be that long (I'm hoping only a couple months as, since I just graduated and have a lot of experience in a relative way, I'm cheap to hire), but I should prepare myself for the long haul.
Things are looking very stable and good for me relationship wise as well, but I'll spare you the gush since this entry has very little to do with any of that.
I'm also looking at moving out of the house. I feel like I'm ready to actually start living on my own. It's not like I feel the need to just GTFO of my house, so much as I am starting to feel as if independence of residence is sounding like a much better and better thing as time passes. I have a problem where I don't currently have anyone I could feasibly live with, whether they already be living with someone, have not expressed an interest in living with me or I'd kill them if we lived together. I will admit I can be a very difficult person to gel with and probably an even more difficult person to live with. I try to compromise, but it wasn't a part of my lexicon for so long, I'm terribly at doing it and doing it well. I've become better at being stubborn and boorish, but I still have a long way to go.
Doesn't it make you want to live with me now! At least I'm fun! lol
When I do move out, I want to live somewhere near Boston or the adjacent suburbs. My preferred location is in Somerville or Cambridge near Davis Square. It's artsy, gay friendly and accessible by Red Line. I wouldn't have to take my car to wherever every day to work, which would cut costs for me considerably, and I'm in an area that has everything I need and a ready-made community for me to jump into. I would also like to live somewhere where I can cuddle with my boyfriend on a bench on a chilly autumn or spring evening and not worry about what anyone'll do.
Meg really wants to live in Brighton, which I'd totally be down for, but that situation is complicated. The person who she does not want to live without doesn't want to live in Boston. Not at all, in fact. I've expressed interest in living with them, but they haven't expressed that interest back (not that I particularly blame them) and I'm coming dangerously close to just imposing myself and saying "I want to move out and need someone to live with". Their lease is up in the New Year and it'd be the perfect opportunity for me to jump onto their moving bandwagon. I just have no idea where they'd be and location is kind of key for me, even if it is somewhat negotiable.
At this point in my life, which I'm sure I've said about 900million times by now.. it's a bit cliché by now, I don't really feel as if I have a home. I have houses and I have people and I have support, but I feel like I don't really have a place that is my home. Sure, I have a room at my parents, but I feel the need to leave there. Not as if I've worn out my welcome, but just because I feel it's time for me to start living more on my own. I don't know if this is just part of that time in my life where I have "that eternal question mark emblazoned over my head" or whatever the quotation is I can't remember who it's by.
Either way, though, I am feeling good about everything.
Now, if only October would leave faster...
I'm listening to Iron&Wine for the first time ever. It's really different for me because I rarely listen to this genre of indie-music. It's very mellow and melancholy. Reminds me of slower Sufjan and even a bit of a mellower Dashboard Confessional when it was just Chris Carraba and his acoustic guitar (yeah 1999).
There is a downside to my listening to this general genre of music, however; it turns me into an introverted emo kid. It's strange how much my mood can be affected by what's around me. It can fill me with inquietude. There's nothing going really wrong in my life right now, everything's good. It's just the contemplativeness of the tone which gets into me.
I've been thinking about the future again. This time, though, it's been a bit different. I'm far more calm about it. I've been centered and it feels good to be back on solid ground, even if it's not as solid as I'm convincing myself it is. I mean, I still am in the air about what I want to do with my life. I mean, I kind of know what I want and I know what I'm really passionate about.
I just feel like I want it all just to happen at once. I want the peace corps, settling down, getting my PhD and moving away from here all to happen at once. I know they can't, and I know it wouldn't be good if they did. I just want it all to just fall into place. I want all the good things to keep going.
It's getting to the point where I'm waiting for the punchline. Like, nothing in my life has every gone so well all the time at once. I'm waiting for the floor to drop out from under me, as it usually does. Someone dies; I fail something; Something bad happens. Being on a roll this big never lasts. I feel like I'm going to come back to work on Thursday when my boss gets back and be fired or something.
I can't shake this feeling like I'm letting something or someone down. I know I can't do it all, but I just feel like things are going too well for me to not be missing something.
This does not mean, however, that I'm searching for something to latch onto that's negative. I'm good with how things are in the general sense. There are areas I'd like to improve, like always, but I'm working on how to deal with that and those areas.
I know this has been a lot of talk about nothing in particular, but I'm feeling better having gotten it out.
So, when I get back in August, I'll have more hours. Which is nice because, well, I'll need them as we've seen. I hadn't explained my financial situation as it appeared to me the other day to Derrick. It's like the universe took care of everything for me. Opportunities have just been popping up and I've been a very lucky recipient of the way's graces.
So, I should more of an income while I'm frantically searching for a job. I am applying to more places and am sending out two more application tomorrow. I also applied to another new school yesterday night.
I received word back from a couple places that they've received my stuff, which is nice. It's good to know that my materials are getting where they're supposed to go and I'm not just insane.
Tomorrow, it's off to the bank to move money around and pay my bills. I'm going to be moving $300 because it gives me more of a pad (and money to gas up my car -- which is running out of fuel).
That gives me more than enough money for everything I need to do for the next 6 weeks. With the extra hours in August, I should be all set. I should also be hearing back from job prospects soon, as well. I'm hoping to have something nailed down before I leave.. or at least something strongly perspective. The chances of that seem pretty small, but a boy can hope right?
So, right now, I'm feeling optimistic.
And, no, my parents never responded.
I'm going broke. I've known for about 2 weeks now, but I'm finally getting it settled in my mind and I'm freaking out. After I get back from Nova Scotia I'm going to absolutely no money. I know I'm going to have to move money over from my savings to my checking, but I don't have that much money to move over. I'm doing it to ensure that I can actually have some money while on the island. when I get back, I'm just as poorly employed as I am now and making as little to no money.
So, I'm at the point where I'm going to have to ask my parents for money. I'm incredibly afraid of this because they've told me over and over that I'm, pretty much, "on my own" financially. They've tried to emphasize so many times that I have to just figure it out on my own and just try to survive.
I am, however, drowning. I had enough money to get me through now, but I don't have enough money to get my through forever. I'm actually afraid to talk to them about it because i don't know what they're going to do. I don't know what they're going to say.
To my own credit, however, between the bills I had paid in May, gasing up my car, renewing my license and seeing people, my account has only gone down $100. Which, with the price of gas, is astounding. I don't even just enough money to pay my cell phone bill for this month, pay both July and June car payments and pay for the ferry in my checking account. I have to transfer over just to make ends meet this month. My savings account doesn't have enough money in it to do that again.
I literally need $100 more dollars than I have -- which is an ironic number looking above.
I know a lot of people go broke when they graduate school, but I have no idea it would happen this fast.
I have a villari's pay check coming to me, but it's only going to be like $30. It's something, but not nearly enough. I'll come back to a $50something check, which again, isn't nearly enough.
So, I'm back to asking my parents for money. I'm going to have to do it tonight or tomorrow night. Part of me wants to e-mail them because I feel ashamed. I do, I feel very ashamed of this situation. If I e-mail them, I feel like I won't have the wrath of their judgement as much on me -- but I also feel really immature doing that. I feel like I'm 15 again and asking if I can have money to go out. I'm 22, I shouldn't have to ask my parents for money. But, here I am.
I feel like such an idiot -- like I can't manage my finances. like, I'm some sort of idiot. who gets 2 years into a car loan and then doesn't know how to pay for the rest of it?
I just e-mailed my parents and asked for $300 either right before I leave or right when I get back. Let's see how this goes.
God, I feel sick to my stomach.
I was just talking with my Mom and sister about 20 minutes or so ago. It was a regular conversation where nothing really happens. I did, however, bring up how I got my license renewed today.
No big deal usually. In most states, as far as I know, you get a typical horizontal license right when you get your first one. When you're 16 (or whenever you're legally allowed to get it), you get the same license everyone else gets. Here in Massachusetts, however, if you get your license when you're under the age of 18, you get a vertical license with UNDER 21 OPERATOR LICENSE written in nice bold, flame text at the top of your license. That license will expire either on your 21st birthday or on your 22nd depending on when you get your Junior Operator's license.
I got my picture retaken and applied for my new license which will be coming in the mail sometime next week, hopefully before I go to NYC for my birthday.
I walk talking to my mom and sister, as I had mentioned, and I said how much changing has happened to me in such a small period of time. This month has been a month of change. I graduated college, got my braces off, am getting a horizontal license, am applying to professional jobs, testing for a new rank. It's all so overwhelming. I don't even know. I know that this is good for me because, as much as change in my seas moves my center, I do like it when everything changes all at once. It means that there's a definitive time I can point to and say "this is when it all started to happen" instead of trying to pinpoint some abstract idea of "maybe when the ball got rolling, I guess".
I know I've droned on about this happening for months now, but now that it's actually happening, I feel much differently about it. I can't say I don't enjoy the feeling. I mean, I'm doing what I need to do and getting everything done.
It's going to be weird when I just jump right into French Immersion and am back to being a student again. Not to say that I have being a student totally out of me, but I feel like I'm quickly moving into adulthood where being a student isn't the center of my being. I'll always be a student, I want to learn forever, but I don't think that I'm ready to jump headlong into graduate school now -- which is good because it's going to be about 4-5 years before I even breach that. I think that if I'm placed in a city, I'm going to take classes at the local university to keep up in academia (and also improve my vocabulary). If I'm put in the bush, well, I dunno what I'm going to do. In the Peace Corps, of course.
Right now, though, everything's beginning to change for me.. and I'm kind of enjoying it. But, who knows how long that's going to last.
This is a list of things I need to do before the Undergraduate Conference on the 27th. I started thinking about it before I was about to fall asleep and started panicking. Like, literal panic attack type panicking. So, to get a grip on it, I'm outlining what I need to do and the various steps involved. I'm hoping some organization will keep me more sane and I can check things off as I go.
So, here it is!
By 4/27, I need to:
I. Have poster done and ready (4/17)
A. break down literature review into bullets
1. pull out major findings
2. bullet point
B. break down results (no longer my section of the poster!)
1. pull out of results section
2. bullet point sentences
a. make literal findings different color
3. revise results section for errors
4. do post hocs
C. break down discussion
1. finish outlining
a. more areas for further research
b. clearer implications of individual results
c. clearer overall implications
D. Hypotheses
1. pull out of literature review
a. list major ones only
E. Stimuli
1. pick one condition and set apart
2. label parts and tell how change for conditions
F. Title and Clip Art
G. Mount on paper
H. Arrange in visually appealing manner
II.l'Histoire du Cinéma Français
A. pick movie to write chapter (Antoine et Collette?)
1. obtain movie (no ebay or amazon -- part of l'Amour a 20 ans short series...)
2. watch obsessively
3. find critical reviews and background information
III. Finish Costumes/Anime Boston (4/20 - 4/23)
A. Laurie The Rabid Fangirl
1. buy new (higher quality) wig
2. buy garters to hold up socks
3. buy eyeliner and eye make up
a. foundation, too?
4. buy shoes (flats/sneakers)
B. Battle Royale
1. Make collar (see instructions)
a. tin cookie sheet
b.film negative
c. foam
2. look up what's in day pack
a. make day pack (if time) (not going to have time)
C. Cherry Blossom Ball
1. find light color tie
IV. Samaritans
A. get hours (e-mail again)
1. long weekend?
B. get number!!
V. History and Systems (class canceled 4/9, all dates pushed back)
A. start work on calendar project (due 5/7)
1. Sternberg
B. read ch 7 summary (for 4/11)
C. read Angell (4/19)
1. SEE-I
D. read ch 9 summary (4/23)
E. read Koffka (4/25)
1. SEE-I
F. read ch 10 summary (4/23 -- AB)
G. read Skinner (4/25)
1. SEE-I
H. Show and Tell (4/25)
1. bring in black belt
2. print out picture of grand master villari
3. bring trial cards (just in case)
4. picture of donatello
5. Subjects to talk about
a. personal change
b. founding of the system
c. teaching
d. implications to psychology
e. getting into martial arts
VI. Thesis
A. find more sources
1. get useful keywords from L&L
a. e-mail again/talk soon
2. inject help sources in literature review
B. edit review
1. grammar, spelling, syntax
2. style, flow, logic
3. adviser notes
C. look over procedure
1. all in past tense
2. adviser notes
D. look over results
1. fix errors
a. cross-compare to print out
2. post hoc analyses
a. do them
b. write up results
E. Discussion
1. revise outline to reflect all expectations
2. write discussion
3. edit for grammar, syntax, style, flow, logic and spelling
VII. Internship
A. Set up informational interview (before 4/26)
1. Liz?
2. Someone in the psych department?
3. Drew?
B. Two page write-up/transcript
1. questions asked
a. why asked questions
b. answers obtained
c. impressions of experience
C. Class on 4/26
VIII. Other stuff
A. SDA meeting (4/9)
1. 8pm, HoMann
B. Dentist Appointment (4/13)
1. 330pm
C. Long weekend (4/13 - 4/14)
1. Road trip with Becky! (4/15)
D. Teenage Wasteland
1. either 4/12 or 4/13
E. Godspell (4/19)
1. 7pm curtain
F. Class!
1. 745pm every Wednesday
2. 520pm every Friday (if stressed)
G. Nova Scotia
1. talk to Mom and Dad
2. Send in deposit and first payment (by 4/30)
IMPORTANT DATES AFTER 4/27!!!
-5/6 - Psi Chi Induction
-5/7 - Calendar Project due
-5/8 - Orthodontist appointment, 2pm. impressions being taken
-5/14 - Internship class
-5/10, 5/16 - Thesis Class
-5/27 - Graduation
-5/30 - Braces off
-6/9 - third degree test
-6/10 - black belt dinner
-6/17 - turn 22
-7/1 - French Immersion Begins
